My house is a mess.
It’s messier than messy.
We have piles of all our stuff stacked up in various corners of our home—and we’re talking about a 760 square foot apartment.
I didn’t realize how much stuff could be hidden away in such a small space. Here I am going through every square inch of it while finding things I thought I had gotten rid of years ago. And finding things I had lost years ago. And finding things I didn’t even realize I had.
My husband’s and my life is pretty chaotic right now. We’re looking at the month of April and all we see is black dashes and x-marks everywhere. Why?
Because we finally did it. After six excruciating (but grateful) years of looking for a house, we finally bought one!
I won’t go into all the gory, boring details, but these years were trying for my husband and me. Honestly, we had seasons in which it sometimes felt darn impossible. We weren’t married long before we had to move out of the house we were renting. With nowhere to go and only having three days to move out, my husband’s grandparents took us in. We originally planned to stay for a year, but life tends to hand you unexpected surprises. Six months after we moved into the first-floor apartment of our grandparent’s place, we found out we were pregnant.
Don’t get me wrong, we are so grateful and blessed for our beautiful son. Nothing fills me with more joy (well, besides Jesus and my husband) than when I see my son dancing around, playing with his legos, coming up with imaginary battles, giving me countless hugs and kisses, and the wonderful conversations we now have as he is getting older. But when we first found out about our baby, we were less than enthused. I may have broken down in the bathroom while my husband stared in frozen shock over a bowl of ramen noodles (isn’t it funny how we remember little details like this right amid life-altering events?). By the time I gave birth to my son, God prepared us in heart for parenthood, and we were looking forward in anticipation!
Finances were tight the first year of having a newborn. We barely had any savings and we couldn’t afford much in the way of a home. Yet, we continued to search, month after month after month. The rural area we called home was beautiful, but scarce in the housing market (unless you could afford a home over the $200,000 mark, which we couldn’t. At least half the properties were land for sale, and we couldn’t afford to build a home from scratch).
Every door for a potential house was shut in our faces. Back then we weren’t as wise with our money and had bought a new car for my husband, whose current car was about ready to collapse into pieces. At that time, I was overprotective of our child and wanted us to have a vehicle that was safe. We didn’t worry about the price tag—until after the fact. Our car loan payment was astronomical and kept us chained to our debt for a long time (not including other debt we had accumulated). By the time covid 19 emerged, this was two years after having our son, what we could afford for a home now skyrocketed at least 30-50% in price. And the houses within our budget were huge fixer uppers; rental properties weren’t much better.
I remember these years of anxiety, hopelessness, and despair. We prayed and begged God for this dream. We felt imprisoned in our living situation and didn’t know what to do. God gave us times of increased grace in which we had a strength beyond our own to handle our circumstances. We were so blessed as a family, and He helped us see it. We lived life with joyful hearts and in anticipation of the future God had planned for us.
But when the grace (at least our own human strength) wilted, we wondered how we could live another day squished in a fish bowl. I love our family, but my husband and I were often berated by our grandparents who constantly watched and scrutinized us. Oftentimes, we felt like we couldn’t breathe with all the spoken and unspoken expectations hanging over us from them and the rest of the family. And our apartment? Well, let’s just say we rearranged it at least 10 times since we moved in. Eventually, when our son turned three years old, we moved him into our bedroom and my husband and I moved our bedroom into the living room. Since then, our personal “intimate” space has been a struggle to find and maintain. There was no door to close if we wanted private conversation…or something more. Our space was constantly disrupted and we grew increasingly frustrated over the years. Most of our things (including our marriage gifts) sat in an outside shop that we used as storage space. The rest of the house had every wall used for living purposes. Our only place to sit was an armchair and the dining room table. We felt like fish growing in size inside a fishbowl that was decreasing in size, year after year.
At one point, my husband and I both worked full-time jobs, when finances were unquestionably not an issue. Even then, we couldn’t buy a house. And each time a door was shut, I cried big, ugly tears because I didn’t think I could continue hoping for something that I wasn’t sure would ever happen.
It took about four years before I finally opened my heart to receive the Lord in this area. For so long, I fought to control the outcome of this dream. I held onto this dream of a house tighter than I held onto God. Maybe you’re reading this and can relate. You may not be waiting for a dream house, but maybe you’re waiting for a baby, a job you are passionate about, increased finances, or a spouse. Most of us have a dream within our hearts that we are longing for. I love to dream, but I can be impatient sometimes. I can relate to this verse in Proverbs when it says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.” (13:12) I walked through seasons of heart-sickness. “Why, Lord? Why?” I would cry out. “Don’t you care about me? Don’t you promise good gifts to those who ask you? I don’t understand, Jesus! Don’t you see my hurting and sick heart?” Looking back, I am so glad that the Lord never opened a door to a home. It wasn’t time and I would have never appreciated it as much as I do now.
God clearly spoke to my heart through this passage in Isaiah one day: “I will do something new, now it will spring forth; will you not be aware of it? I will make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.” (43:19) How could God make rivers appear in the desert? Was that at all possible? Our situation felt like a dry and desolate land for sure. God led me to a place of trust through this passage— that even though our situation seemed impossible, with insurmountable roadblocks in our path, there was no doubt that He would make a way. He wanted us to believe that the fulfillment of this dream wouldn’t come from our own strength but through Him.
God also revealed to me that I was clinging to my dream of a house tighter than I was clinging to Jesus. At the end of 2022, God led me to a revelation: He is my “promised land”, not the house. He is the fulfillment of my joy, not the house. He is my peace, not the house. He is my security, not the house. He is my dream, not the house.
This is when I began to experience God in a whole new way! The anxiety and fear that I often felt when it came to looking for a home began to fade because, ultimately, all that I needed was in Him. My love for Jesus grew exponentially. I began to experience more joy and peace in my life when I stopped seeing my dream as my road to happiness and fulfillment. Only God could fill that role and place in my life.
I finally came to a place of peace in which I surrendered the outcome of the house and our dream into God’s hands. I began to focus more on what we had, the community God was building around us, and the places of ministry He was leading us into. There were times of frustration in our current apartment, but I had joy and peace that I didn’t have before. I began to see the bigger picture. I trusted God knew what He was doing, and if He hadn’t opened the door yet, then it wasn’t time.
The moment came when I least expected it; when God plopped the house into our laps. We didn’t have to strive. I didn’t have to make it happen on my own. God did it, all of it. He brought the right people at the right time into our lives who wanted to rent out a house to us….and before we even had a chance to move in and paint the walls, they asked if we would rather buy the house.
I am still amazed as I think about how God orchestrated everything. In almost as much time as it took for me to say, “God, I give you this dream. You are my promised land,” snap! A few months later, He was putting the pieces together.
I’m not saying He would make your dream happen for you as He did for me, but I do know that when we finally come to our senses and move out of God’s way, He can work and set things in motion. I wonder how many things in our lives we pray for, hope for, and dream for that are actually us getting in our own way; in God’s way. How much simpler if we let God do what He does best? How much more joy and peace would we have if we humbled ourselves and allowed God to lead?
These are all questions I had to ask myself, and oh, am I glad I did!
So now, looking around my apartment, I could feel anxious, frustrated, angry, and irritable about all the boxes piled around, home decor wrapped in newspaper, clothes lying in various places, and a number of other things that aren’t where they are supposed to be. I could be anxious because we have a million things we need to do before we move in. Frustration is my go-to in moments like this. I’m not too fond of messes and they are a huge stressor to me.
Instead, I’m grateful. I’m exuberant. I’m hopeful. This is evidence of something I have prayed for years. I’m literally living, gazing, standing in the middle of an answered prayer and an answered dream. The only words I can muster are “Thank you, Jesus. Thank you that I get to pack up our things. Thank you that we have a house right in the middle of our church community. Thank you, Jesus, for answering my prayer.”
I pray for those of you who haven’t quite reached the middle of that answered dream— I have been where you are. I have felt the ache, the despair, and the anguish. I have acquainted and made friends with disappointment. My heart has been crushed countless times. But can I whisper something to your soul?
You’re going to make it. You will.
It doesn’t feel like it, does it?
Sometimes, it just feels too hard to bear, doesn’t it?
But you are. You’re going to make it.
Better yet, you’re going to make it with God.
Let Him be your promised land. I encourage you to surrender your dream to Him and allow God to put the pieces together. He’s the best puzzle solver there is! After all, He’s the one holding all the pieces in His hands.
And one day soon, you will be standing in the middle of an answered dream!
